Pre-requisites for becoming a Parent

Nature has so decreed that when a sperm producing male and an ovum producing female come together in a physical sexual act, there are 50% chances of a new life being conceived. This biological process makes parents out of two adults who may or may not be ready for parenthood.

What does it take to be ready for parenthood? Is it enough to be married, be of a certain age, economically independent and physically healthy to become parents? Or is there something more to it?

Difference between human and animal parents

Parenting is just a biological task for non-human species; hence it lasts for a short time and is less complicated. Mammals tend to nurture their young ones more than non-mammals do, but the number of offspring an average adult mammal produces doesn’t allow for too much attention to be bestowed upon them.

Humans, on the other hand, have to provide for their children’s physical needs, protect them from harm’s way, impart skills and values and help them stand on their own two feet. It is a lifelong responsibility for human parents.

Responsibility of being a parent

‘Let’s have a baby’, is one statement that changes lives forever. It is one of those huge decisions that changes everything we have hitherto known.

Most people get married whether by choice or by parental decree and get officially ready to start a family by producing children. But more often than not, the most ignored factor remains the psychological readiness of the couple. In fact, it is the most important factor in determining one’s readiness to take on the major responsibility of parenting a child.

Parenting involves the future of our future generations. That is why having children is not just a hobby and should not remain a mere accident. Becoming parents involves a major change in lifestyle and we must be absolutely ready for it.

Our society romanticizes the images of parenthood so much that we set very high expectations from it. It is true that parenting is a lot of fun but it is also a lot of hard work; more work than we can imagine until we become parents ourselves.

Parenting is a lifelong project and if we are not truly prepared for it, it can give us more headaches than joy. Besides the demand on our time, energy, emotions and resources, parenting brings up our own emotional issues squarely in our face, as children end up pushing all our emotional buttons. The mistakes we make as parents affect the ones we love the most; our children.

Most of us have been brought up to expect that one day we will become parents but no one has ever told us how important it is to heal ourselves before bringing in a new life. Unless we heal our own inner wounds, we are not ready to bring forward any children. Before we parent new children, we must parent the child within; because unless we do that, we’ll end up passing on our own insecurities, fears and complexities to our children.

Since parenting is a joint venture, both the partners must be in complete agreement to shoulder this onerous responsibility with joy and honor.

Choosing to become a parent

Before you decide to bring forth a child into this world, spend some time with the thought of becoming a parent. What do you think are the responsibilities and commitments of being a parent? How do you feel, thinking about them? What emotions come up in you? When you think of your own parents what feelings come up? How do you feel about the parenting that you received? What is your relationship with your parents? What did you enjoy about being a child? What didn’t you enjoy about being a child? Do you enjoy spending time with children? What are your assumptions and attitudes about life with children? What ages of children are you most comfortable with? If you are not comfortable with a particular age group, think of your own childhood at that age. Perhaps there is something which needs to be resolved there. What are your fears? How do you cope with stress? Answer these questions truthfully.
Now spend some time with the thought of life without your own children. How does this thought make you feel? Be honest with your feelings and make your decision based upon them. Don’t bring in your logical mind; just listen to your feelings.
Don’t get coerced into parenthood by societal or marital pressures. Parenting isn’t for everyone so don’t feel guilty if you choose not to become one. Becoming parents and then regretting the decision does great harm, not only to yourself but also to your children. This is one decision you can’t backtrack from; so make the right decision after giving it a due thought. Unless you are completely ready for it, it is better not to give birth to any children.

Remember, parenthood is permanent and not restricted to just the ‘fun’ years. Parenting is not only about shared fun, hugs, kisses and giggles. There will be all this but there will also be tough times and disappointments. Your children may not turn out the way you expect. Your parenting skills may not turn out the way you expect.

Check with yourself if you are willing to forego some personal space after the child arrives. Remember, the child doesn’t ask to be brought into this world. It is your decision.

Readiness to become a parent

Consider yourself ready to become a parent if you are:

• Ready to provide resources such as money, food, clothing, shelter, and time; all basic but important needs.
• Ready to nurture and support the child by providing comfort, warmth, love, acceptance, focused attention and re-assurance.
• Ready to promote and support the child’s physical, emotional, educational, social and aspirational development from infancy to adulthood.
• Ready to provide a stable home and responsible role models.

Becoming a good parent

Every person can become a great parent provided s/he is willing, open and ready to be one. Good parents need great strength to guide their children well. They need to provide certain structure, order, and discipline in which the children can grow optimally. They should not constrict their children but maintain a certain expectation of mutual harmony and respect.

Three most important requirements of a good parent are:
• Know yourself well.
• Know your partner well.
• Be absolutely sure that you want to become a parent.

A happy loving marital relationship

One of the best gifts you can give to your children is a happy loving marriage, as your relationship with your partner remains the foundation on which your family will grow. Before becoming a parent take a good look at your relationship and see it as it will be seen by your children. Notice how you and your partner relate to each other. Do you raise your voice when you disagree? Do you sulk when you don’t get what you want? Be truthful with your answers and learn more harmonious ways of communicating and strengthening your partnership before you start a family.

Remember, a harmonious home is the first requirement of a child.

Maintaining a stress-free environment is imperative not just for a child’s wellbeing but also for a healthy and loving family bonding. So identify your stressors and try to resolve them before you decide to have a child.

If the couple is unprepared for all the emotional, physical and social changes that a baby involves, their marital relationship might get derailed. On the other hand, if they adopt their attitudes towards each other while making ample space for the new baby and her demands, they will grow closer in marriage.

A harmonious lifestyle

It is important to take a good look at your lifestyle and be mindful of your choices regarding eating a healthy diet, maintaining a regular exercise regimen, refraining from drinking and smoking etc. Both the partners must support each other and make a shift in the lifestyle if needed. After all home is the first place where a child learns his/her habits from!

Career planning

Even though you don’t need to involve your larger family and your employer in your baby plans, it is advisable to keep them posted. This increases trust and transparency in your personal and professional relationships. It also helps when you require support from them. You can also think of taking a sabbatical or work from home options. After all a baby is a full time job. How successful you are juggling work and parenthood will depend upon the support at home and at work.

Choosing Love

When we choose to experience motherhood and fatherhood, essentially we are choosing to experience love. Little babies offer us a great opportunity to know, feel and extend love. They sandpaper all the rough spots on us and we do the same to them.