Spiritual Parenting

Understanding a Child's World

2012-01-15T15:34:00.002+05:30

Officially any human being less than 18 years old is termed as a child. Attitudes towards children differ across various cultures and families; some cultures and families being more children centric than others. However, most children have fewer rights than adults, as they are not considered mature enough to make serious decisions. They stay under the care of responsible adults in almost all societies.

Children that come through us

When we look deeply into the eyes of little children we see the light, because each child comes with a remembrance of light. Little babies are wondrous angels in disguise, who come to us because we have consciously or unconsciously asked them to become our companions.

Children see simplicity, spontaneity, and ‘now’ moments in the world while we adults see complexities. Their innermost desire is to be loved, which comes forth as a desire to please. They love harmony, but they also desire discipline, order and consistent structure, as long as the structure allows for open communication and family discussions.

When parents set up a family structure with vision, clarity, consistency and love, honoring the highest self in their children, the children easily accommodate the family’s vision and rise up to meet it. Even when they push the boundary, it is only to see what lies beyond it. After all children discover who they are through experimentation!

Contrary to popular belief, young children experience the entire range of emotions that the adults do; such as love, sorrow, doubt, jealousy, envy, anger and judgment. They too wonder if they are good enough. But when we encourage our children to claim their power and take stock of who they are, without comparing their qualities with other children’s qualities, they bring out their true fragrance.

Children have more to teach us than we have to teach them. That is why Jesus Christ had said, “Unless you be converted and become like little children, you shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.”

Innate qualities of a child

• Children are innately kind, caring and compassionate.
• They are delightful to have around.
• They are usually spontaneous and live in the present moment.
• They are innocent.
• They exhibit simplicity and absence of duplicity.
• There is no labored refinement, affectation, or sophistication in them.
• They say what they think and express what they desire.
• They do not fear what people will say.
• They show themselves as they are; without any masks.
• They are conscious of their weakness and this awareness brings about humility in them.
• They depend completely on their parents in full faith that their needs will be provided.
• They believe whatever their parents tell them.
• They are like a sponge which soaks up everything.
• They love their parents completely.
• They don’t have a care in the world.
• They live in a make believe world.
• They laugh easily.
• They have tremendous energy.
• They see everything around them with wonder.
• They don’t feel embarrassed of their ignorance.
• They are fearless.
• They ask non-stop questions.
• They invigorate, stimulate and enliven the atmosphere around them.
• They are go getters.
• They are eager to live life.
• They enjoy everything.
• They are visionaries who trust in their imagination.
• They believe that they can achieve anything.
• They enjoy trying new things.
• They take risks.
• They always see possibilities.
• They are very creative.
• They are innovative and curious.
• They are able to play without a worry in their mind.
• They have no concerns about money.
• There are no limits to their imagination.
• They play and lose themselves in play.
• They have no concept of time.
• They create with abandon.
• They believe that they are perfect.
• They squeal in delight without caring who might be watching.
• They can play by themselves.
• They love playing pretend games.
• They explore everything with a beginner’s mind.
• They don’t think about what happened yesterday and what may happen tomorrow.
• They see the world as a wondrous place and a source of immense fascination.
• They are natural artists.
• They have a sense of adventure.
• They have full confidence and trust in their parents.
• They see things from a fresh perspective.
• They have limitless imagination.
• They have an ability to learn new things quickly.
• They are flexible in thought and approach.
• They are born explorers.
• They are not afraid of their ignorance.
• They are free spirits.
• They mean what they say and say what they mean.
• They are open and honest about their feelings.
• They don’t take no for an answer.
• They are tenacious and don’t give up easily.
• They are naturally optimistic.
• They do what catches their fancy.
• They do things from different perspectives e.g. in role-playing.
• They can say outrageous things with zero inhibitions.
• They are open to failure.
• There are no restrictions to their thinking in terms of time and resources.
• They are receptive to new ideas.
• They are open- minded.
• They possess the ability to let go.
• They are vulnerable.
• They are joyful.

Expectations from a child

In this material world we have a great many expectations from our children, most of which are related to issues of obedience, etiquette, social conduct, language, and general behavior. These expectations can be quite unrealistic; especially because we ourselves do not exhibit these qualities at all times. Some of these expectations are:

• Ideal children must set a good example for others.
• They must become a role model for the younger siblings.
• They must always listen to their parents, teachers, and other elders.
• They must study hard and excel at school.
• They must always be polite.
• They should not be selfish.
• They should not tell a lie.
• They shouldn’t talk back to people older than them.
• They should be the apple of everyone’s eyes.
• They should be all rounder, do well in sports, perform on the stage and excel in co-curricular activities.
• They should fulfill those dreams that parents couldn’t achieve.
• They should be the best they can be and achieve things that parents couldn’t.
• They should fill the needs rooted in the parents’ subconscious.

Expectations of a child

Just as parents expect some things from their children, children too have expectations from their parents. But unfortunately expectations from both sides are not met with. Some of these expectations are:-

• Children long for love, care and understanding.
• Children look for examples and role-models to follow.
• Children expect the parents to love each other.
• Children look for harmony at home.
• Children expect unconditional acceptance of who they are.
• Children expect acceptance of their emotions.
• Children expect to be trusted.

A symbiotic relationship

Even though parents and children inhabit different worlds under the same roof, both live part of their karma through each other; hence their growth and evolution is co-dependent in many ways. Though the parents think they are just helping their children to be more happy and successful, in truth parents cannot really separate themselves from their children. They are bonded for life. Hence, it is a sacred relationship which must be honored.

Pre-requisites for becoming a Parent

2012-01-10T13:28:00.002+05:30

Nature has so decreed that when a sperm producing male and an ovum producing female come together in a physical sexual act, there are 50% chances of a new life being conceived. This biological process makes parents out of two adults who may or may not be ready for parenthood.

What does it take to be ready for parenthood? Is it enough to be married, be of a certain age, economically independent and physically healthy to become parents? Or is there something more to it?

Difference between human and animal parents

Parenting is just a biological task for non-human species; hence it lasts for a short time and is less complicated. Mammals tend to nurture their young ones more than non-mammals do, but the number of offspring an average adult mammal produces doesn’t allow for too much attention to be bestowed upon them.

Humans, on the other hand, have to provide for their children’s physical needs, protect them from harm’s way, impart skills and values and help them stand on their own two feet. It is a lifelong responsibility for human parents.

Responsibility of being a parent

‘Let’s have a baby’, is one statement that changes lives forever. It is one of those huge decisions that changes everything we have hitherto known.

Most people get married whether by choice or by parental decree and get officially ready to start a family by producing children. But more often than not, the most ignored factor remains the psychological readiness of the couple. In fact, it is the most important factor in determining one’s readiness to take on the major responsibility of parenting a child.

Parenting involves the future of our future generations. That is why having children is not just a hobby and should not remain a mere accident. Becoming parents involves a major change in lifestyle and we must be absolutely ready for it.

Our society romanticizes the images of parenthood so much that we set very high expectations from it. It is true that parenting is a lot of fun but it is also a lot of hard work; more work than we can imagine until we become parents ourselves.

Parenting is a lifelong project and if we are not truly prepared for it, it can give us more headaches than joy. Besides the demand on our time, energy, emotions and resources, parenting brings up our own emotional issues squarely in our face, as children end up pushing all our emotional buttons. The mistakes we make as parents affect the ones we love the most; our children.

Most of us have been brought up to expect that one day we will become parents but no one has ever told us how important it is to heal ourselves before bringing in a new life. Unless we heal our own inner wounds, we are not ready to bring forward any children. Before we parent new children, we must parent the child within; because unless we do that, we’ll end up passing on our own insecurities, fears and complexities to our children.

Since parenting is a joint venture, both the partners must be in complete agreement to shoulder this onerous responsibility with joy and honor.

Choosing to become a parent

Before you decide to bring forth a child into this world, spend some time with the thought of becoming a parent. What do you think are the responsibilities and commitments of being a parent? How do you feel, thinking about them? What emotions come up in you? When you think of your own parents what feelings come up? How do you feel about the parenting that you received? What is your relationship with your parents? What did you enjoy about being a child? What didn’t you enjoy about being a child? Do you enjoy spending time with children? What are your assumptions and attitudes about life with children? What ages of children are you most comfortable with? If you are not comfortable with a particular age group, think of your own childhood at that age. Perhaps there is something which needs to be resolved there. What are your fears? How do you cope with stress? Answer these questions truthfully.
Now spend some time with the thought of life without your own children. How does this thought make you feel? Be honest with your feelings and make your decision based upon them. Don’t bring in your logical mind; just listen to your feelings.
Don’t get coerced into parenthood by societal or marital pressures. Parenting isn’t for everyone so don’t feel guilty if you choose not to become one. Becoming parents and then regretting the decision does great harm, not only to yourself but also to your children. This is one decision you can’t backtrack from; so make the right decision after giving it a due thought. Unless you are completely ready for it, it is better not to give birth to any children.

Remember, parenthood is permanent and not restricted to just the ‘fun’ years. Parenting is not only about shared fun, hugs, kisses and giggles. There will be all this but there will also be tough times and disappointments. Your children may not turn out the way you expect. Your parenting skills may not turn out the way you expect.

Check with yourself if you are willing to forego some personal space after the child arrives. Remember, the child doesn’t ask to be brought into this world. It is your decision.

Readiness to become a parent

Consider yourself ready to become a parent if you are:

• Ready to provide resources such as money, food, clothing, shelter, and time; all basic but important needs.
• Ready to nurture and support the child by providing comfort, warmth, love, acceptance, focused attention and re-assurance.
• Ready to promote and support the child’s physical, emotional, educational, social and aspirational development from infancy to adulthood.
• Ready to provide a stable home and responsible role models.

Becoming a good parent

Every person can become a great parent provided s/he is willing, open and ready to be one. Good parents need great strength to guide their children well. They need to provide certain structure, order, and discipline in which the children can grow optimally. They should not constrict their children but maintain a certain expectation of mutual harmony and respect.

Three most important requirements of a good parent are:
• Know yourself well.
• Know your partner well.
• Be absolutely sure that you want to become a parent.

A happy loving marital relationship

One of the best gifts you can give to your children is a happy loving marriage, as your relationship with your partner remains the foundation on which your family will grow. Before becoming a parent take a good look at your relationship and see it as it will be seen by your children. Notice how you and your partner relate to each other. Do you raise your voice when you disagree? Do you sulk when you don’t get what you want? Be truthful with your answers and learn more harmonious ways of communicating and strengthening your partnership before you start a family.

Remember, a harmonious home is the first requirement of a child.

Maintaining a stress-free environment is imperative not just for a child’s wellbeing but also for a healthy and loving family bonding. So identify your stressors and try to resolve them before you decide to have a child.

If the couple is unprepared for all the emotional, physical and social changes that a baby involves, their marital relationship might get derailed. On the other hand, if they adopt their attitudes towards each other while making ample space for the new baby and her demands, they will grow closer in marriage.

A harmonious lifestyle

It is important to take a good look at your lifestyle and be mindful of your choices regarding eating a healthy diet, maintaining a regular exercise regimen, refraining from drinking and smoking etc. Both the partners must support each other and make a shift in the lifestyle if needed. After all home is the first place where a child learns his/her habits from!

Career planning

Even though you don’t need to involve your larger family and your employer in your baby plans, it is advisable to keep them posted. This increases trust and transparency in your personal and professional relationships. It also helps when you require support from them. You can also think of taking a sabbatical or work from home options. After all a baby is a full time job. How successful you are juggling work and parenthood will depend upon the support at home and at work.

Choosing Love

When we choose to experience motherhood and fatherhood, essentially we are choosing to experience love. Little babies offer us a great opportunity to know, feel and extend love. They sandpaper all the rough spots on us and we do the same to them.

Conversation between I and I AM about your parents

2009-10-21T16:43:00.000+05:30

I: Sons are supposed to be mama’s boys while daughters are papa’s darlings. How true is that?
I AM: Contrary to the general opinion, girls have a special relationship with their mothers while boys do with their fathers. Both the parents have a great responsibility. When you solve your own issues, your children’s issues automatically get resolved.
I: Is there any gender bias here?
I AM: Yes, when fathers resolve their issues, the sons’ issues get resolved while when mothers resolve their issues, the daughters benefit.
I: Mothers are supposed to be the most unconditional in giving their love. How important is a mother-child relationship?
I AM: Your relationship with your mother is a reflection of your emotional health, your emotional quotient. It tells you how well you can handle your emotions. It also reflects your love for the self. So if you think that your mother does not love you, it means that you do not love yourself.
I: My mother has been very loving and nurturing. Does it mean that I love myself unconditionally?
I AM: Take a good look at your relationship with your mother. Is it 100% perfect? Don’t you find any faults in her? Doesn’t she find any fault in you? None of you love yourselves unconditionally, so no mother-child relationship is completely unconditional.
I: As I have grown older, my relationship with my mother has improved. Is it because of maturity?
I AM: As you grow older, you evolve and mature. You accept yourself a little more. You love yourself a little more. This gets reflected in your relationship with your mother. As you grow comfortable with yourself, you become comfortable with your mother.
I: What about fathers? What is our relationship with them?
I AM: Most girls think of their dads as their universe while most boys perceive them to be a threat.
I: Why threat?
I AM: Because they wish to have the power that they see and admire in their dads. Every boy thinks that his father is a superman, a hero; his ideal. Now if this hero tells the son that he is not behaving properly, he is not strong enough, smart enough etc or shows his disappointment in some way, this boy cringes inside. He tells himself that he can never match his dad. He can never be a hero. He can never please him. So, the father is perceived as a threat.
I: What do our dads reflect back to us?
I AM: For all children their fathers are the symbol of their inner power. They signify inner authority. If you do not have a good relationship with your father, it means that you feel powerless inside you. On the other hand if you share a healthy relationship with your dad, it means you are blessed by an inner power.
I: What about people who lose their parents?
I AM: If you lose your mother, it reflects a deep rooted issue of self love and nurturing. If you lose your father, then it is a deep seated issue of powerlessness that needs to be addressed in this lifetime. Such people choose this external lack of support in order to experience their own intrinsic worth. They turn inwards for love and nurturing.
I: This means that every external circumstance and every relationship that we have tells us something about ourselves.
I AM: That is right. This is a perfect system for ‘knowing’ yourself! Please be aware of your significant relationships and you will learn a lot about yourself.
I: What about our siblings? What role do they play?
I AM: Your siblings reflect the support system that you feel within yourself. If you feel a lack of inner support, you will have a troubled relationship with your sibling.
I: Sometimes we have good relationship with one sibling but a conflict with another. What would that signify?
I AM: The one that you have conflict with carries the same energy structure as you. However, since your siblings come from the same parents, the root of your inner lack of support comes from a lack of self nurturing and powerlessness.
I: What role do our friends play in our growth?
I AM: They play a smaller part as compared to your other significant relationships. They make sure that you are continuously growing and evolving. They do this by acting in a manner that you appreciate or that irritates you.
I: What is your message for today?
I AM: Look at everyone and everything as a reflection of YOU. Learn about yourself. Grow and evolve.

Conscious Parenting

2008-06-26T20:55:00.000+05:30

It is the holiday season. The mall at Shimla is choc-o-bloc with merry makers. Children are an integral part of this group. Watching children of various shapes and sizes, behaving in various ways to demand attention and goodies from their parents throws up great insights into our evolving society.

Parenting is the most important role that we play in our lives. However, since most of us are amateur parents, we tend to follow the parenting style of our parents or our friends. Some of us do follow our own parenting instincts, but even these get conditioned by the norms of the society that we live in. In today’s world where both the parents pursue high pressure careers, the challenges of parenting become all the more critical. What should we do under these trying circumstances?

First of all we need to get some things clear in our heads when we become parents.

Our children come through us but they don’t belong to us.
Each child is different because he /she carries different predispositions (samskaras) from his /her past lives.
Being bigger in size, does not make us more important than the child.
The child is our equal in all respects, and deserves to be treated as such.
The belief, ‘I know what is best for you’ is fine when the child is young but not when s/he grows older.
Some things are ‘mistakes’ only from our perspective. Those ‘mistakes’ may be just the right lessons for our child.

With these basic facts ingrained in our psyche, we need to:

Avoid using silly words or childish sounds while speaking with our children.
Avoid talking down to them.
Love them unconditionally, look after their needs, prevent them from getting into dangerous situations, and tell them about some dos and don’ts.
Allow them to just ‘be’, by giving them adequate space.
Give our full attention to them.
Sometimes get out of our role as parents and connect with them at the level of ‘being’.
Look at them, listen to them, and hug them.
Avoid comparing them with any other person.
Avoid the tendency to give them more things than they really need.
Avoid being overprotective and interfering in their need to explore the world and try out things for themselves.
Avoid controlling and overbearing tactics.
Stop playing the traditional role of a parent, once the need for all the basic parental functions has passed.
Let go of the need to be needed by them.
Allow them to suffer sometimes. Suffering helps them evolve as better human beings.

Children are the future citizens of our world. We need to ensure that they grow up well adjusted and well equipped to shoulder this onerous responsibility.

Children learn what they live

2008-05-29T09:32:00.002+05:30

By - Dorothy Law Nolte
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Your Role as a Parent

2008-03-17T14:13:00.000+05:30

Most of us take our role as a parent too seriously. We feel completely responsible for our offspring’s welfare. We feel it is our duty to guide them in all aspects of their lives. After all we are the parents. We know what is best for our children. If we will not guide them, who will? All these arguments are well intentioned and I have no issues with these. But in our desire to do the best for our children, we forget to give them ample doses of love, affection, and understanding. We think that too much love would spoil them. We believe in discipline more than understanding.

In my view, all that we parents ever need to do is to provide generous dollops of love and acceptance. In the absence of a warm and loving atmosphere, no child can ever achieve his/her full potential. Even discipline does not really work in a hostile environment. In my practice as a ‘Life Skills Coach’, I come across individuals with low self esteem, which stems from their childhood. Unless the home atmosphere is warm, caring, safe, protective, and friendly, a child can not be self- confident. And as you well know, self-esteem is the most critical factor in achieving success in life.

When we like ourselves for what we are, we are more likely to work hard and achieve more. Observe your children. Your encouraging, loving words are their biggest motivators. The moment you put them down, their enthusiasm to do anything vanishes in thin air. If your children are not doing well at school, first look at your home environment. Be objective. Ask yourself; are you the cause of their poor self esteem? Most of the times, we unfavourably compare our children to their friends. What do you think it does to their self image? We think that by shaming them, we are motivating them to excel. We couldn’t be more wrong. Apply this rule to yourself. Do you strive to work harder if someone ridicules you? No. You would build up frustration, and anger towards that person. That is exactly what is happening in your home. Pay attention to it and take corrective measures.

My favorite line is a cry from a child, “Mum, love me the most, when I deserve it the least.” This line haunts me. Yes, when we think that our child does not deserve any love because he has been naughty, disobedient, destructive, or a failure; that is when he needs our love the most. Our job at these times is to trust our children and help them discover the talents, abilities, resources, and the personal best that is hidden behind their rough and unappealing exteriors.

We feel let down and disappointed by our children, if they do not tow our line. We label them as ‘difficult’ children. Have you ever wondered if the children feel the same about us as well? Have we ever given unconditional love to our children? Why do we always have to be judgmental at every step? Our parenting years (and our children’s ears!) are full of ‘good boy’, ‘bad boy’, ‘good girl’, and ‘bad girl’ at each step and after each action. Such adjectives confuse children. Their self-worth fluctuates from minute to minute. From praise to disgrace!

Our attention is more focused on the socks left on the floor, unmade beds, badly done homework, bad influence of friends, poor grades, and complaints from the teachers. We do not focus on their good qualities, assets, and strengths, especially when these do not meet with our pre-conceived notions of what is good and what is bad. If we are constantly reminded of our shortcomings, we start believing in them. Our children do the same. By telling them about their strengths, we help them believe in themselves. Their worth increases in their own eyes. They feel capable of making a difference in the world. This empowered attitude leads them to success in whatever field they choose.

So let us get out of our cocooned worlds of expectations and reasoning. Let us pay more attention to playing with our children and understanding them. The time spent together with them is something that we should treasure more than anything else. I believe that our children are our ‘gurus’. There is a lot that we can learn from them. Just observing them is an education by itself.

Are we ready for this new challenge!!!

On the Path

2008-03-05T20:41:00.000+05:30

I have been ‘on the path’ (so to say) since my childhood. I remember my mother calling me a ‘lost creature’ who lives in her ‘own world’, and is not aware of what is happening around (the makings of a Sufi?). My father was an atheist, but my mother followed her simple religious rituals. We, as kids, were not asked to follow anything. So we grew up with a rare freedom. (Now I know that I chose such parents and such a home, as an ideal environment for my growth).

While growing up I realized that I loved singing ‘Gurbani’, ‘Shabads’, and ‘Bhajans’ (besides Hindi film songs). I was an avid reader and read all popular books, mainly fiction.

I got married to a person who did not believe in any rituals either. (His family too is very liberal.) However, both of us believed in the concept of a Higher Power. I called it ‘The Nature’. We did nothing about connecting with this power.

I started practicing (and teaching) Yoga, for fitness.

I lived my life like this, very happy and content with my life and my family.

In 1997, I discovered Linda Goodman’s ‘Star Signs’. That was the turning point. One book led to another, and by 1999, I could not read any other kind of books. At present I remain surrounded by books, but they all deal with some or the other aspect of spirituality. Till about 2004, I used to read the complete newspaper. Today I do not even feel like opening it (I only read my own articles in TOI, and sometimes the Speaking Tree, Sacred space, Mind over Matter etc.) Same goes for the magazines. The only magazines I read are Life Positive, Eternal Solutions, Life Times, and White Light etc. All my time is spent in reading and writing. I read many books at a time. Right now I am reading ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle, ‘Tantra Vision: Beyond the barriers of Wisdom’ and ‘Sufis: The people of the Path’ by Osho, ‘The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying’ by Sogyal Rinpoche. I pick up books by intuition. I can not watch television any more. The only information I seek on the Net is something to do with the Path or the Truth.

In 2000, Reiki came into my life along with Meditation.

In 2003, I discovered Sai Baba and understood the phenomenon of ‘cosmic consciousnesses’. What appealed to me was his statement, ‘I am God, and you are also God. The only difference is that I know it, and you don’t’. I am not a typical ‘Baba’ follower, but I see him as ‘pink’ colour in my meditations.

In Dec. 2007, I experienced ‘the flowering of the Soul’ or Enlightenment, during my Past Life Regression Therapist Program.

Today I feel confident enough to proclaim that I am a Light Worker. I am here on the Planet Earth in this time and space, because I chose to be a part of the ‘Shift of the Ages’ that has already started.

I have experienced the ‘oneness’ with the Universe. I look at the World around me as a manifestation of my thoughts, and myself as the Observer. I firmly believe that ‘thoughts are things’. In my meditation I witness them as un-manifested matter.

I feel more loving, peaceful, and abundant. I look at everyone (including myself) as a part of the Whole. I view every thing as an aspect of God. There is nothing else but God.

My relationships have undergone a lot of change. My attachment with my immediate family has decreased. I have loosened control and released my husband and my sons. I have released myself. I feel free. I feel more love for everyone, including animals, trees, plants, minerals, soil, inanimate things etc, without feeling attached in any way. I am more tolerant, even tempered, at peace with the World. I love and appreciate myself whole heartedly. Something I had never done before.

I always wore handloom, so Fab India clothes still remain my favourite.

I am not obsessed about my house being ‘spic and span’ any more. I avoid clutter.

I gave up taking allopathic medicine the day I studied Homeopathy. For a time I relied on both Reiki and Homeopathy. Then I started speaking to my cells. Today it is all ‘Consciousness’ healing through meditation, Reiki, Thought therapy, Emotional freedom Technique, and conversing with my cells. I take responsibility for my dis-ease. I don’t look at it as illness any more. I look at it as ‘issues in my tissues’ that need to be resolved. I know that body never ever lies. It heals itself. As a last resort it tries to communicate with me through some symptoms. The moment I assure it that I have taken cognizance of my deviant thoughts, it feels reassured. When I learn my lesson, it comes back to a state of ease.

I also look at the creation (including my body cells) as being ‘Holographic’. A lot of my understanding comes from this concept.

I have not yet been able to answer the question of ‘Right Food’. I am still seeking the answer that resonates with my being.

I feel very strongly about the damage that we are doing to humanity by our modern ‘Birthing’ process, and the unenlightened way we handle our ‘dying’ process. These are the two areas I feel inclined to work in.

Conscious Parenting

2008-02-04T12:51:00.000+05:30

Parenting is the most important role that we play in our lives. However, since most of us are amateur parents, we tend to follow the parenting style of our parents or our friends. Some of us do follow our own parenting instincts, but even these get conditioned by the norms of the society that we live in. In today’s world where both the parents pursue high pressure careers, the challenges of parenting become all the more critical. What should we do under these trying circumstances?

First of all we need to get some things clear in our heads when we become parents.

Our children come through us but they don’t belong to us.
Each child is different because he /she carries different predispositions (samskaras) from his /her past lives.
Being bigger in size, does not make us more important than the child.
The child is our equal in all respects, and deserves to be treated as such.
The belief, ‘I know what is best for you’ is fine when the child is young but not when s/he grows older.
Some things are ‘mistakes’ only from our perspective. Those ‘mistakes’ may be just the right lessons for our child.

With these basic facts ingrained in our psyche, we need to:

Avoid using silly words or childish sounds while speaking with our children.
Avoid talking down to them.
Love them unconditionally, look after their needs, prevent them from getting into dangerous situations, and tell them about some dos and don’ts.
Allow them to just ‘be’, by giving them adequate space.
Give our full attention to them.
Sometimes get out of our role as parents and connect with them at the level of ‘being’.
Look at them, listen to them, and hug them.
Avoid comparing them with any other person.
Avoid the tendency to give them more things than they really need.
Avoid being overprotective and interfering in their need to explore the world and try out things for themselves.
Avoid controlling and overbearing tactics.
Stop playing the traditional role of a parent, once the need for all the basic parental functions has passed.
Let go of the need to be needed by them.
Allow them to suffer sometimes. Suffering helps them evolve as better human beings.

Taare Zameen Par

2008-01-03T11:10:00.000+05:30

The other day I watched this great film, 'Taare Zameen Par'. I was fortunate to watch it with my son. At the end of the movie, when he squeezed my hand, I knew that I was forgiven.

Kudos to Aamir Khan for making such a brilliant film. It touched my heart, and a raw nerve. We parents do so much damage to our most loved ones, our children, in guise of doing the best for them. We think we know all. After all we are the parents- the grown ups. And parents know everything. We couldn't be more wrong. We are parents. Our job begins and ends with giving unconditional love and acceptance to our children. No more, no less.

The Joy of Parenting Adolescents

2007-12-01T09:11:00.001+05:30

%E2%80%98Parenting%E2%80%99-is+the+most+exhilarating%2C+satisfying+and+challenging+job%2C%0D%0Aespecially+when+we+have+to+parent+%E2%80%98adolescent+children%E2%80%99.%0D%0A%0D%0AAdolescence+appears+at+a+time+when+the+urge+of+life+reaches+its+highest+peak.%0D%0AThe+adolescent%E2%80%99s+life+is%2C+or+ought+to+be%2C+full+of+opportunity+to+enter+into+new%0D%0Alife+experiences%2C+to+explore+new+relationships%2C+to+feel+new+resources+of+inner%0D%0Astrength+and+ability.+Adolescence+is+also+a+time+when+youthful+dreams+of%0D%0Alove+and+power+have+not+yet+been+disturbed+by+the+realities+of+life.+In+many+ways%2C+adolescents+live+in+a+lush+season+between+the+spring+and+the+summer+of+life.%0D%0A%0D%0AAdolescence+is+viewed+as+a+period+of+transition%2C+between+childhood+and+adulthood.+As+parents%2C+our+challenge+is+to+ensure+that+they+make+this+transition+with+ease.+The+problem+with+us+parents+is+that+we+are+all+%E2%d99.+There+are+no+%E2%80%98professional%E2%80%99+parents+because+parenting+is+not+taught+in+colleges+or+universities.+We+learn+parenting+by+instinct+and+develop+our+individual+parenting+styles.+However%2C+the+basic+ingredients+of+good+parenting+remain+universal%21+These+are%2C+love%2C+time+and+understanding.+Give+these+in+ample+doses+and+you+can+never+go+wrong.%0D%0A%0D%0AAdolescents+compound+our+parenting+woes+by+being+rebellious+and+non-conformist.+They+display+a+%E2%80%98couldn%E2%80%99t-care-+less%E2%80%99+attitude.+We+feel+that+our+advice+is+falling+on+deaf+ears.+They+laugh+at+our+concerns+and+make+fun+of+our+old+ancient+values.+To+top+it+all%2C+there+is+this+societal+pressure.+If+our+adolescent+has+not+done+well+in+board+exams%2C+if+he+has+not+cleared+the+competitive+exams%2C+if+we+can%E2%80%99t+proudly+announce+that+our+child+has+got+into+%E2%80%98so+and+so%E2%80%99+college%2C+we+feel+inadequate+as+a+parent.+We+take+it+as+our+personal+failure+%28most+of+the+times+we+blame+the+transferable+job+that+we+are+in%29%2C+but+our+adolescents+seem+least+bothered.%0D%0A%0D%0ADon%E2%80%99t+get+fooled+by+their+outward+behaviour.+Inside+them%2C+they+are+as+bothered+about+their+future+as+we+are%2C+perhaps+more%3B+after+all+it+is+their+life.+They+have+their+hidden+fears+and+anxieties%2C+which+they+express+in+anger+or+by+clamming+up.+They+feel+misunderstood.+After+all+they+are+dealing+with+their+own+demons.+To+be+acceptans+a+lot+to+them.+If+they+have+a+poor+body+image+or+any+other+perceived+inadequacy%2C+it+can+play+havoc+with+their+mental+peace.+They+encounter+enough+pressures+in+their+own+little+worlds.%0D%0A%0D%0AAll+they+need+from+us+is+%E2%80%98acceptance%E2%80%99.+Accept+them+for+what+they+are.+Assess+their+capabilities+realistically.+Help+them+choose+a+career+path+that+is+commensurate+with+their+interests%2C+capabilities+and+aptitude.+Don%E2%80%99t+force+your+will+upon+them.%0D%0A%0D%0AThere+are+three+basic+parenting+styles%2C+which+most+of+us+follow.%0D%0AAutocratic+parents+believe+that+they+know+what+is+best+for+their+children.+They+tend+to+suppress+their+adolescent%E2%80%99s+feelings.+Their+children+are+less+likely+to+be+self+reliant+and+incapable+of+thinking+and+acting+for+themselves.%0D%0A%0D%0APermissive+parents+can+never+say+%E2%80%98No%E2%80%99+to+their+children.+They+fail+to+provide+the+kind+of+discipline+and+support+adolescents+need.+They+allow+their+children+to+drift%2C+without+offering+them+dependable+models+of+responsible+adult+behaviour.%0D%0A%0D%0AAuthoritative+parents%2C+on+the+other+hand%2C+value+both+autonomy+and+discipline.+They+are+more+likely+to+foster+the+development+of+confidence%2C+responsibility+and+independence.%0D%0A%0D%0ALet%E2%80%99s+see+how+we+%28as+parents+of+adolescent+children%29+can+help+our+wards.+I+think+we+can+do+this+by+--%0D%0AHelping+them+achieve+general+emotional+maturity.+The/s+destructive+expression+of+emotions+must+be+channelised+into+constructive+expressions.+They+should+learn+to+face%2C+and+solve+conflicts.%0D%0A%0D%0AHelping+them+establish+heterosexual+interest+so+that+they+have+normal+and+not+excessive+interest+in+members+of+the+opposite+sex.+They+should+casually+accept+their+sexual+maturity.%0D%0AHelping+them+achieve+general+social+maturity.+They+should+have+social+poise%3B+develop+social+tolerance+and+freedom+from+slavish+imitation+of+their+peers.%0D%0A%0D%0AGranting+them+freedom+from+home+control.+They+must+learn+self-control+and+rely+upon+themselves+for+security.+Our+attitude+towards+them+should+be+friendly.%0D%0A%0D%0AHelping+them+develop+intellectual+maturity.+We+should+teach+them+not+to+accept+anything+blindly+on+the+basis+of+authority.+They+should+desire+for+explanations+of+facts.+They+should+move+away+from+many+temporary+interests%2C+and+have+a+few%2C+stable+interests.%0D%0A%0D%0AHelping+them+develop+a+hobby.+Adolescents+should+develop+interest+in+team+games+and+intellectual+contests.%0D%0A%0D%0AHelping+them+select+an+occupation.+Young+people+are+generally+interested+in+glamorous+occupations.+Parents+have+to+help+them+focus+on+practicable+occupations.+They+should+preferably+focus+on+one+occupation.+They+should+be+able+to+undertake+reasonably+accurate+estimate+of+their+abilities+and+reconcile+their+interests+with+their+abilities.%0D%0A%0D%0ATeaching+them+the+philosopints+should+not+base+their+behaviour+upon+gaining+pleasure+and+avoiding+pain.+They+must+develop+a+sense+of+duty.%0D%0A%0D%0AHelping+them+in+identification+of+self.+Youngsters+should+have+moderately+accurate+perception+of+themselves.+They+must+have+a+good+idea+about+other+people%E2%80%99s+perception+of+them+as+well.+They+should+identify+themselves+with+achievable+goals.%0D%0A%0D%0AThe+most+important+thing+we+parents+need+to+understand+is+that+we+should+be+good+%E2%80%98role+models%E2%80%99+for+them.+We+need+to+%E2%80%98walk+the+talk%E2%80%99.+Confucius+spoke+for+our+youngsters+when+he+said%2C+%E2%80%98Tell+me+and+I+will+forget.+Show+me+and+I+will+remember.+Involve+me+and+I+will+understand.%E2%80%99%0D%0A%0D%0AIf+our+role+as+parents+is+clear+to+us%2C+we+can+never+go+wrong+in+guiding+our+adolescents.%0D%0A%0D%0AYes%2C+parenting+is+an+arduous+task%2C+and+parenting+teenagers+more+so.+But+I+believe+that+if+we+love+our+role+as+a+parent+and+enjoy+%E2%80%98each+stage%E2%80%99+of+our+children%E2%80%99s+growth+and+development%2C+these+adolescent+years+will+be+a+pleasure+for+both+us%2C+and+our+wards.%0D%0A%0D%0AKahlil+Gibran+has+said+in+%E2%80%98The+Prophet%E2%80%99%0D%0A%E2%80%9CYour+children+are+not+your+children.%0D%0AThey+are+sons+and+daughters+of+life%E2%80%99s+longing+for+itself.%0D%0AThey+come+through+you+but+not+from+you%2C%0D%0AAnd+though+they+are+with+you+yet+they+belong+not+to+you.%0D%0AYou+may+give+them+your+lcughts.%0D%0AFor+they+have+their+own+thoughts.%0D%0AYou+may+house+their+bodies+but+not+their+souls%2C%0D%0AFor+their+souls+dwell+in+the+house+of+tomorrow%2C%0D%0Awhich+you+cannot+visit%2C+not+even+in+your+dreams%21%0D%0AYou+may+strive+to+be+like+them%2C+but+seek+not+to+make+them+like+you.%0D%0AFor+life+goes+not+backward%2C+not+tarries+with+yesterday.%0D%0AYou+are+the+bows+from+which+your+children+as+living+arrows+are+sent+forth.%0D%0AThe+archer+sees+the+mark+upon+the+path+of+infinite%2C%0D%0Aand+he+bends+you+with+his+might.%0D%0AThat+his+arrows+may+go+swift+and+far%21%0D%0ALet+your+bending+in+the+Archer%E2%80%99s+hand+be+for+gladness%3B%0D%0AFor+even+as+He+loves+the+arrow+that+flies%2C%0D%0Aso+He+loves+also+the+bow+that+is+stable.%0D%0A

Should we set Boundaries for our Kids?

2007-11-30T09:54:00.000+05:30

Our children are our future. They bring joy into our lives. We love our role as parents, but sometimes we wonder if we are going right with our style of parenting? Are we doing what should be done? Why is my child becoming disobedient? Why does she seek attention all the time? Why is he so unreasonable? Where are we going wrong?

There are no readymade answers to these thought provoking questions. The fact is that we all are amateur parents, learning on the job. We use instinctive parenting skills. We are also guided by our well meaning parents, relatives, friends and neighbors. We learn from their collective wisdom. We consult various books and web-sites on parenting. (Isn’t it surprising that we still go wrong?)

In our quest for being ideal parents (and making our children ideal kids), we forget that each child is an individual, and each household has different dynamics. Our parenting style needs to take all this into account. Seems like a Herculean task! Added to job and home responsibilities, it seems practically un-doable. But it need not be so. Let me show you how?

As parents, our primary job is to ‘love’ our children unconditionally. That is all that we need to ‘do’, rest falls into place automatically. When I say this to my clients, they react sharply, ‘Do you think we don’t love our children? They are very dear to us.’ I am sure you are saying exactly this. Well! I do not doubt that you love your children, but ‘they’ doubt your love when you attach conditions with it. When you say, ‘Why did you put your finger in your nose? Bad boy!’ Or ‘Look at Raja (or what ever be the name); he always comes first in the class. And look at you. Useless!’ How do you think your child feels? Loved??

That is why I ask you to give ‘unconditional’ love. Now you are indignant, ‘Won’t that spoil our children if we love them without correcting them? You don’t know my children.’ Yes, I agree. I do not know ‘your’ children, but I know that at a deep level, every one looks for love and approval, including you. Isn’t that right? And it is so because we were deprived unconditional love when we were children. Do we want our children to grow up with same inadequacies?

We don’t want to spoil them and we don’t want them to feel unloved. So, what do we do to achieve this balance? We handle this delicate task by setting boundaries for our kids.
The world can be an intimidating place for children, especially when they're just being exposed to life outside of their immediate loving family. They look to their parents, to guide them, to tell them what's OK and what is not.

In other words, they look to you to set rules for them to live their life by. When they're very young, their boundaries are determined by our concern for their safety; but as they grow older we need to take their expanding world into consideration.

Setting limits is one of the parenting skills that helps children to grow mentally healthy and socially responsible, and prevents deviant behaviors.

Many parents find it difficult to set boundaries for their kids because they don't want to upset their kids. They are more concerned about their children liking them than doing what is right for their kids.

In my experience, if you neglect to set firm boundaries for your children, they are most likely to keep pushing the limits of your patience. While this can get frustrating (for both parties), it also puts the child in a dangerous position of "testing the waters" (drugs, alcohol, sex etc.)

Children need to learn the rules of life so that they can deal with life more effectively. The idea of setting limits for your children is to love and protect them, not control them. With that perspective in mind, here is what you need to know to set and keep proper limits for your children:

Consider the child's age and development. Boundaries for young kids should be safety-oriented, while those for older kids need to give them opportunities to make mature decisions.

Review your child's boundaries regularly. As your child gets older, expand the existing boundaries and introduce new ones as needed (for example, their getting home time may be set for an hour later).

Explain the limits to your children. Don't just assume that they know what they are supposed to do or not to do. Sit down with them and explain the limits very simply but firmly.

Explain the consequences of breaking the boundaries. It's essential that there are consequences for going beyond their set boundaries. Tell your child what these consequences are before hand (for instance, five minutes facing the wall for a young child, or taking away TV viewing privileges from an older child).

Enforce the limits consistently. If your child breaks the rules, you must follow up with the consequence, each and every time.

If you have a hard time saying no to your child because you're afraid he or she won't like it, you need to let go of the feeling of ‘wanting love’ from your children and focus instead on ‘loving them’ and doing what is best for them.

Meanwhile, please ensure that setting boundaries should always leave room for your children to grow; spiritually, emotionally, physically and independently.

It is important for children to learn that there are boundaries; but as they get older they will need to make decisions for themselves, and sometimes it's OK to think outside the box. As parents we often have a hard time setting boundaries because we were taught too many of them - they were phrased as absolute musts by our parents (you must do this and must not do that etc.) we try to avoid making the same mistakes with our own children.

Yet, for most of us whatever we try NOT to do, we end up doing more of it. So it is important to release our fears about parenting so that we can take what we were taught to a new level and approach our children with ‘unconditional love’ and complete understanding.

Remember Kahlil Gibran’s famous poem in ‘The Prophet’

“Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams!
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward, not tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of infinite,
And He bends you with His might.
That His arrows may go swift and far!
Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
So He loves also the bow that is stable.”

Let Each One Be!

2007-11-29T12:14:00.000+05:30

How far can we go in pursuit of excellence?

Each one of us wants to excel in all our endeavors. A very noble thought indeed! We must excel, but is it possible to excel in everything that we do, in all spheres of activity, across the spectrum of life? Each one of us is a unique being, who has brought a unique gift to this world. We need to unwrap that gift and offer it for the evolution of our beautiful planet. In theory all of us agree with this view point. We are reasonable people after all. When it comes to success in our own lives and careers, (knowing fully well that we are no where near excelling in most areas), we stay ready with all kinds of explanations regarding why we are where we are and how we are. (Blame our parents, teachers, schools, colleges, system, environment, boss--- there are plenty of scapegoats!)

However, when it comes to our children, we are convinced that they are very bright but not striving hard enough to achieve their full potential. Their potential is defined by us as above 90% marks and a seat in some prestigious Engineering or Medical college. We are also very convinced that we cannot do much about our own careers now, so let us concentrate on our children’s careers. (We owe it to them!) We grin like Cheshire cats when our children prove themselves (with some help from us of course!) and bask in the reflected glory of our progeny’s success. (After all we gave birth to a genius!) We become the local celebrities in the eyes of parents who are still struggling with their child’s ‘potential’. We offer advice to all and sundry, becoming a know-all, done- that, been -there variety. Our life seems to be fulfilled. We can now sit back and relax. Our child has joined the rat race and all is well with the world.

How far can we go or should we go in making our children excel in these ‘competitive’ times? The other day I was shocked into numbness after reading the top story of the day in The Times of India. “Spooky Doc Couple Kills Son’ the headline screamed. What was more intriguing was the sub line ‘Believed blood transfusion could make their son brilliant.’ It got my goat. Who in their right minds would believe that? (I forgot that parents intent upon making their children excel are not always in their right minds.) And then these people were doctors. Doctors give life, not take lives, and that too under the influence of medical mis-information. Even an educated lay man knows that there is no connection whatsoever between a blood transfusion and transfer of intelligence. (If this were true, all 90 percenters could make a living by selling their blood drops at a premium!)

I read on, wondering what prompted this couple to believe in such a lie. The ‘bloody’ procedure was recommended by a ‘guru’ who appeared in the mother’s ‘dream’, if you please. (Mother- who is a professor in a prestigious medical college. I shudder to think, what kind of scientific temper does she inculcate in her students?) The enlightened couple was told that if they transfuse their younger (a 12 year old, high performer in academics) son’s blood into their elder son (an 18 year old, average student) he was sure to secure admission in a medical college. I am not too sure if the son wanted to get into the medical college in the first place. Did the parents even try to find out what the boy wanted? Is joining an MBBS course so important, that we are ready to make it a question of life and death? The younger son could have become a doctor, instead of becoming a corpse in the morgue. The elder son could have chosen some other profession, in keeping with his interests and capabilities, instead of becoming an accomplice in murder and being ruined for life. What did the parents get out of this? Loss, grief, shame and misery!

The news made me really sad, but I got thinking, what if by some queer fluke the experiment had succeeded? What would have this couple done then? Proudly recommend the procedure to many more parents like them! We can’t rule that out. If the experiment did not have such tragic consequences, they may have tried some more bizarre recommendations of their ‘guru’. Which century are we living in?

I sincerely hope that this tragedy infuses some sense into the parents of today. My sincere appeal to all parents is - please stop pressurizing your children. Please stop terrorizing your children. Please stop experimenting with your children. Your children are the future of this evolving, ever expanding Universe. Let them evolve. Let them expend. Leave them alone. Your children have a purpose to fulfill. They have their own dreams. Let them dream those dreams in peace. Let them choose their own path.

Remember Kahlil Gibran’s wise words,
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams!
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday.’